My Heart…

I have always viewed this Blog as my own personal journal and way to share our lives with those so far from us.  I try very hard to be transparent and honest…I can’t tell you my honest opinions about what you are wearing or what I really think about your hair, but here my goal is honesty.  I trust this is way to lengthy for anyone to read, but this is my heart.

At one point in my life, I was obsessed with Elizabeth Elliot and I do vaguely remember dreaming of becoming a missionary. I also had dreams of marring and having a fabulous house, perfect kids and a pampered life…honestly, who doesn’t!!!

My dream house was big, with lots of space, lots of grass, a whirlpool tub, an ice machine, a gorgeous view. I never dreamed I would make my son’s nursery in the hallway, I would learn 101 uses for a foot locker, I would consider a dish washer a luxury, a clothes dryer optional or would need to use our balcony for a freezer.

I never dreamed of having to reduce all of my Earthly possession into 13 foot lockers, move 9 time zones away from everything I knew…my family, friends, my surrounding.

Learning a foreign language sounds adventurous and even a bit romantic…but the reality is that it is humbling…even at times humiliating…frustrating…embarrassing…not to mention flat-out difficult!!!

I love to talk. I talk a lot. My mouth often works faster than my brain…which creates problems in English…can you imagine how silly I sound in Russian!!! I never dreamed of sounding like a Second Grader at the age of 40+!!!

I never dreamed I would have to depend on the Internet as the only means of communication with my family, Grandparents would only watch my kid’s preform via video or I would have to create new holiday traditions, because the distance to family was just too great.

I absolutely never thought many of my dreams would include walking the isles of Wal-Mart, sipping a coffee in Target or driving through Sonic at Happy Hour.

I never dreamed I would need to read a book called “Where There Is No Doctor”…I would live in fear my kids getting hurt, because decent medical care was at least 5 hours away {our first years in Ivanovo}.

I never dreamed that taking a hot bath would be a luxury, seeing the sun would make me want to race outdoors or that I would be thrilled to spend $2 for a box of mac and cheese, $13 for a box of Grape Nuts or yell at Keith for using my one bottle of spray Pam.

I do miss my family and friends {like crazy}…I miss Wal-Mart and Sonic…I miss rolling in the grass {not that I really ever did}…I miss setting on the porch watch the kids play outside, ride their bikes down the street, having water fights with the spray hose and drawing all over the driveway with chalk.

No this is not the life I dreamed of….but I love it!!! Of course I miss my family, have become more patriotic than I ever dreamed, but I love Russia, the people and the story God is writing for my family.

I love that even though it is horrible and I sound like 3 year old, I can speak a foreign language and share the love and hope only found in Jesus with new friends. I love watching the Lord so at work in the life of our dear friend, Masha, and using us in even the smallest way to brighten the often dark days in Saint Pete. I love that our Church is often just 3 people in our home and the clear way God is at work in each of our lives.  I love that I have seen God answer prayer requests before we have even said, “Amen!”  I love that I caught a fish.  I love our School that so often feels much more like family. I love the market, the Metro and even McDonalds…which is much tastier in a foreign country!!! I love the other missionaries that don’t judge me, because they so know exactly what I am feeling…because they have felt it too.

Please understand that I adore my husband and kids and am thrilled that God would deem me worthy of sharing His love in Russia. If I have given the impression that I am not happy in Russia…I am sorry!!! I miss my family {who wouldn’t when they are separated by 10 time zones}, but I love my life…even if I didn’t dream it!!!

{I am extremely sensitive, try to give the impression that the opinions of other are unimportant…in which I often fail miserably and I do take criticisms very serious and personal.  I want to grow, change and become more of who God wants me to be…but please don’t think for one minute I would change one experience, struggle or minute of my life!!!}